Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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