I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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