dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
