All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
