if i can run in heels then i can drive
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
