I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
