I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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