God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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