how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
