I have demons in me.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
