First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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