I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
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She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
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SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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