Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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