when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
