I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
