I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
