Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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