My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
