Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
