ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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