so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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