my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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