as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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