I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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