that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
PANTIES FOUND
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