hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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