how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
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Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
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No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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