when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
