if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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