I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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