No awkward lesbian experiences without me
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
