I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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