I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Randomize
