I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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