It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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