your thong is hanging out like whoa
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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