flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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