im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Randomize
