I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
