I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
She's like a pop up book from hell.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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