I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
