i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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