Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
