fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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