My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
