I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
