i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
