I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
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Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
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You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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