Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
is that a dick in a sweater?
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