saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
