I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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