I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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