I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just had sex on a roof
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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