Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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