this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
