I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Be still, my beating vagina.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
