ya dads aren't the best wingmen
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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