Porn is love you can see.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
